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Dylan Celebrates 83

Malibu, CA, May 24, 2024 (Rock Star Times) - A typcially staid Bob Dylan cut loose with family, friends, and several fellow musicians at his Malibu home to celebrate his 83rd birthday. Neighbors reported the unusually festive gathering to local media - an all-day event filled with food, drink, and music. Dylan and other guests could be heard singing several of his world renowned hits, including The Times They Are a-Changin', Blowin' in the Wind, Like a Rolling Stone, and others.

As the day wore on, Dylan could also be heard singing hits from Lynyrd Skynyrd. This is a recent phenomenon that has been strongly embraced by fans of both Dylan and Skynyrd. Dylan sang several Skynyrd songs, including Sweet Home Alabama, Free Bird, and Simple Man (which he co-authored with Ronnie Van Zant and Gary Rossington).

As the event was winding down and Bob was seeing guests off, in a surprise to all, he spoke briefly with the press - a very rare and unusual move for the legendary rocker. Dylan was specifically asked about the recent Dylan-sings-Skynyrd popularity, to which he responded "Oh, man. It's all about the fans. There would be no Rock & Roll without the fans. If the fans want Dylan singing Skynyrd, I'm happy to give it to them." Regarding his fans, Dylan went on to single out a group of fans at the prestigious Beer & Sports Festival. "Those cats are superfans", Dylan said. "I'm not just the first musician, but the first person to be honored with a wiffle ball dedication! How can you top that?" Really, Bob, I guess you can't. Happy birthday!

B&SF Commissioner Concedes the Wiffle Ball Battle

Huletts Landing, NY, March 31, 2020 (NCP Quarterly) - In an act of resignation, defiance, drunkenness, or some combination of all three, the Commissioner of the Beer & Sports Festival was seen flying the flag of the NCP resistance group at the 2019 Beer & Sports Festival - on the wiffle ball field of play, no less. This flag highlights opposition to the outdated tradition of wiffle ball, and can only be seen as clear evidence that the Commissioner and his supporter realize it is time to admit defeat. The comfort, safety, and popularity of Decking proved to be too much.

Opposition to wiffle ball goes back as far as the first decade of B&SF history, but did not settle into an grassroots movement until flaws in the beer consumption calculations used by the Commissioner were revealed at the 20th Annual B&SF (detailed in the "Perfect Storm Hits 20th Annual B&SF" AP article). Further, having long ago distributed hats declaring Decking to be the Official Sport of B&SF (or Huletts Landing... whatever!), it became easier and easier to sweep wiffle ball under the beer-soaked rug.

Rumors abound that shuffleboard will be introduced by the Commissioner as a Demonstration Sport at B&SF 2020, and is being looked at as a possible wiffle ball replacement. Studies by several safety-minded research organizations have shown it to be a much more logical choice for the rapidly aging B&SF population. It would also allow the traditional off-site cookout to continue, while eliminating the obvious hazards of wiffle ball. Ties in the new sport would continue to be decided by RPS shootouts.

Rug Downs Half Keg in Twenty Minutes

Huletts Landing, NY, June 3, 2016 (Floor Coverings Enquirer) - While there were several impressive performances at the 25th annual Beer & Sports Festival - some involving sombreros, ponchos, spurs, and the Theme from Love Boat - early odds strongly favor the carpet under the kegerator not only winning its first medal, but the Gold medal at that. The heroic effort put up by this flat patch of fuzz even has some calling for the Commissioner to bring the Fork Award out of retirement.

(NOTE: Bringing back the Fork Award is a decision that rests entirely and strictly with the Commissioner. It is well understood that the Commissioner has full, totalitarian control over the willy-nilly awarding of medals, and is the sole authority for issuance of completely bogus disqualifications for total crap reasons such as unfounded accusations of involvement with certain tennis tournaments. Fortunately, Drinkers 1 and 2 clearly hold no grudge for being DQ’ed from 2015 medal contention.)

Although the carpet was known to consume a ping or 2 from time to time as a result of slips, trips, and the occasional overfill, the extent of its massive thirst was never realized until Thursday evening, in the midst of the 2016 celebration. After a fresh keg had just been put into service at approximately 8:30pm following the exhaustion of keg #2, the parched floor covering took matters into its own hands (threads?). It popped the tube leading to the tap tower and proceeded to shotgun an entire half keg in under a half hour - an extraordinary effort by any measure.

Upon discovery of the feat, a stunned B&SF Commissioner was put in a position that required an emergency run to add beer to the stockpile or risk being booted from office. It is not an unfamiliar spot for the Commissioner, and is very reminiscent of the 20th annual event that nearly lead to his downfall at the hands of a band of NCP rebels. The NCP was again omnipresent at the 2016 B&SF, having spent heavily on advertising for the event - even going so far as to sponsor a 2nd CD and paying for an ultra-premium spot in the 1st CD intro, questioning the quantity of beer. But the swift and decisive response from the Commissioner again saved his office.

At the time of this publication, there has been no official response from the Office of the Commissioner to questions pertaining to the incident, and how he could have overlooked such a thirsty participant in his beer calculations. However, several off-the-record comments have been leaked to the press regarding an unofficial investigation to see if the cardboard cutouts, throw rugs, or even the sled table might be interested in following the carpet’s lead at the next Festival. All those questions remain unanswered for now, but one thing is certain - beer consumption calculations just became a lot more complicated.

New Huletts Landing Halfway House Purchased by B&SFer to Help Friend

Huletts Landing, NY, August 13, 2013 (San Jose Mercury News) - The B&SF Safety & Wellness Commissioner has given final approval for the purchase of a new B&SF halfway house on Huletts Landing. The quaint red cottage is positioned approximately half way between the Casino and the McNelis home base. The new halfway house is a mere 90 yards from the Casino; 150 yards closer, but along the same treacherous path that B&SFers have been braving for over 21 years.

The need for this halfway house is legendary, and is expected to provide the following benefits:

Excursions attempting to scale El Diablo in the early morning hours will no longer be necessary
US Fish and Wildlife Service complaints from duck enthusiasts are expected to decrease significantly
Beer fill-ups on the way to and from the Casino are now, finally, possible
Desperately needed expansion of wiffle ball equipment hiding spots for McCormick and Craven will be realized
With its strategic position along Serpentine Street, pedestrian incidents that previously resulted in passing out on the grass and/or kicking of puppies can now conclude acceptably, with entry into a safe abode (although, with its resemblance to a red schoolhouse, pencil tip precautions will be taken).

Earlier in the day, the B&SF Commissioner approved the financing of the new house, noting that it could be done with no increase to the B&SF single fee pricing structure currently in place, adding "the entire cost will be recouped in just a few years with slight increases to the a la carte pricing model."

In response to the question that the halfway house is misnamed since it's really only 3/8ths of the way from the Casino, the lead B&SF purchaser musically burped "I was told there would be no math" while immediately inhaling a fistful of Jax and pushing away croutons.

As a condition for re-entry into civilized society and to temporarily lift the Huletts ban, John Humphreys has agreed to be the first occupant of the halfway house, which is expected to open for admissions in June 2014. It is anticipated that the new halfway house will show the community how seriously the B&SFers are about tackling the tough problems (see list above), allowing any B&SFer to proudly show his face in Huletts after a hole-in-one.

Vagrant Hits Hole-In-One

Huletts Landing, NY, August 3, 2013 (The Huletts Landing Herald) - Vagrant John Humphreys made history at the 2013 "A Day to Remember" golf tournament, where he hit a hole-in-one on the 3rd hole. That hole is about 380 yards... he had the six iron. As the ball rolled into the hole, the normally reserved Huletts Landing crowd went wild.

Mr. Humphreys is no stranger to Huletts Landing. He was a legendary athlete there in the 90's, hitting his peak in 1999 when he was named the B&SF Athlete of the Decade. It was all down hill from there. The pressure to stay on top and thirst for the spotlight took its toll, and Humphreys soon found himself loitering in the dark corners of society. He was often inebriated to the point of incapacitation at the Beer & Sports Festivals where he once dominated. He frequently stole cookies from Girl Scouts, and broke into the Huletts Landing Elementary School just to break the tips off of all the pencils. He was repeatedly found passed out on the road from The Casino to his home base at the McNelis house - too drunk to complete the short journey. Finally, after a puppy kicking episode in August 2004, the Huletts Landing City Council in concert with the B&SF Safety Commissioner banned Humphreys from the Landing.

As a crowd gathered and the flashbulbs popped to celebrate the hole-in-one, someone in the crowd identified Humphreys, and an angry mob chased him over the mountain to Whitehall.

"6 Before 12" Clearly in Play for B&SF 2013

Huletts Landing, NY, November 12, 2012 (Fox News) - In a move that reveals he is no longer satisfied with the domicile confines of 1001 Dock Road, it appears that Patrick McCormick is determined to take his show on the road... literally.

This recently revealed photo lends considerable credence to the rumors swirling around Huletts Landing that McCormick has commissioned a Toilet Cart. This pink-seated hog will not only blow away the Beer Cooler Cart and the Bar Stool Cart, but will eliminate the need to make pit stops during such competitions.

In addition, McCormick notes that "One of the many problems with wiffleball is that it inhibits my ability to set BM-related records. Now, in the unlikely event that I decide to participate in wiffleball, I will still be able to pursue my real goal of six dumps before noon.".

Early Las Vegas odds for B&SF 2013 are 2 to 1 in favor of McCormick reaching the magic "6 before 12" mark.

Perfect Storm Hits 20th Annual B&SF

Huletts Landing, NY, June 6, 2011 (AP) - The Annual Beer & Sports Festival held every year for the past 20 years in early June at Huletts Landing NY was a milestone shattering event. Going into the festival, the current Commissioner (more to come) Kevin McNelis had concerns about the standard beer supplies (3 - ½ and 1 - ¼ kegs plus Casino beers). With the knowledge that rookie participate David Lilly (well established ND tailgater) was being added to the lineup, and the fact the Pat McNelis had a confirmed Thursday night arrival, the Commissioner decided to increase the supply and added an extra ¼ Keg for the weekend. It was also thought that this was the only possible way to ensure wiffle ball games on Saturday. What followed could not have been anticipated and would have mystified even the most seasoned "Beer Consumption Meteorologist".

The "Perfect Storm" started on Wednesday night with the arrival of the usual B&SF preparations committee, John McNelis and Kelly O'Brien. However, wanting to ensure proper preparation for the highly significant 20th annual event, the preparations committee requested additional participation, and got it. What is typically a 2 man committee ballooned to six with the addition of the new rookie, last year's B&SF rookie Eric Kromps (just back from Memphis), the Commish, and the wild card that in reality started the storm, Brian McNelis. Brian's arrival did need to be concealed from the preparations committee until his actual arrival due to recent security breaches in the B&SF website that did not make it possible to have open unsecured cell phone conversations. The Commish has vowed to have the security systems upgraded, but it will not be cheap.

The arrival of Pat McCormick early Thursday with two more Kegs not only impressed the beer distributor, but added a motivated Decker to the mix as the ominous storm continued to develop. The next major component of the storm arrived at 4:00 P.M. EST (~8 hours earlier than expected); sneaking in like James "blanking" Bond and assuming his drinking position on the deck. The early arrival of John Humphreys was the first time the Commish seriously questioned the on-site beer supply (one in the Kegerator and four on ice). With the insanity of the preparations committee activities now complete and a strong contingent of drinkers on hand, it came as no surprise that the first keg kicked. The "shock and awe" was WHEN it kicked - at exactly 5:17 P.M. on day zero, obliterating the old record by 5½ hours. B&SF was now at DEFCON 4.

It did not take long for the self proclaimed Potential Future Commissioner to notice the small bead of sweat coming from the Commissioners brow and immediately saw an opening for a rebel takeover. Kelly, in a CIA like covert operation, formed a new and secret movement called the "NCP" to rectify this potential beer supply oversight. "Would the CPO keep his job if he brought coloring books to B&SF?" was the initial call to arms sound bite for this rebellion. The "New Commissioner Project" was almost a self fulfilling prophecy in that, if the beer supply kicked, the Commish was out. This caused an already motivated group to step up the pace in an effort to have the rebel leader take office. Even Don Buchholz was drinking out of a beer filled red cup instead of his usual Vodka filled Bubba Keg as he embraced the charter of the NCP. The momentum of this perfect storm was now out of control, and when Tom, Chris, and Jason joined the NCP rebel movement, the commissioner finally realized he had no friends and his 20 year run was in jeopardy. The fact that two back-up 18 packs were on ice and available, with a third later added by long time local participant Pat Peterson offered little solace to the NCP mob. Even the arrival of an 18 wheeler beer truck in front of B&SF headquarters did not improve voter confidence with the current regime.

There was one side benefit to the NCP movement in that it appeared to help the home run power on the wiffle ball courts. The first wiffle game on Friday resulted in another B&SF first. All 13 players had at least one home run in the game. Even Pat McCormick, the most liberal opponent of the wiffle ball games could not debate the fact that the actions of the NCP inadvertently added to the already established porn for power. This also raised the question; would he have so quickly joined the NCP if he knew of this positive side effect on the wiffle ball games?

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and with the NCP rebels calling for the Future Former Commissioner to open every can of beer consumed (barbaric) should a switch from kegs to cans be required, the Commish made what could have been his last executive decision - adding an unprecedented forth ½ keg to the festival beer arsenal. The rebels did not notice this last ditch effort to save the current dictatorship until it was too late, since most were still recovering from a new casino closing record of 6:40 A.M. and at last count, over 100 empty Coors Light Bottles and one empty bottle of Kettle One. As it turns out, the 6th keg saved the day and likely the current totalitarian regime. The second ¼ keg kicked during the Saturday wiffle ball game (another record for the weekend) and the 3rd ½ Keg did not make it through dinner on Saturday night. The addition of this last keg broke the solidarity of the NCP rebels, while allowing for a total consciousness day on Sunday that would never have been if the opening of cans had been required. Overall, the 20th annual Beer & Sports Festival was a tremendous success, with Team B&SF looking forward to the 21st. While records are made to be broken, it could be some time before these multiple records fall and another perfect storm like this hits the landing again.

Note from Editor: The inaugural B&SF in 1992 did indeed have 6 kegs, but all of these were ¼ kegs and there were no Casino nights in the mix. This team has appeared to discover its own fountain of youth formula, and chose wisely when deciding on Coors Light for the festival.

Engagement Celebration Has Catastrophic Ending

NEWARK, OH, March 2009 (AP) - Police in Newark, 30 miles east of Columbus, say when they responded to a report of a crash with injuries on March 4, they found a man who had wrecked a bar stool powered by a deconstructed lawn mower. The man was hospitalized for minor injuries. Police say Kelly O'Brien was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated after he told an officer at the hospital that he had consumed 15 beers to celebrate his recent engagement. The man told police his motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph, and that "It can leave any motorized cooler in the dust."

This has upstate New York officials concerned about the potential for unauthorized street racing in early June between the stool and a Whitehall, NY man's motorized cooler. The Whitehall man was pulled over in May 2008 and charged with driving the motorized cooler. At the time the cooler was capable of speeds up to 12 mph when fully loaded with 14 beers and a fully-loaded operator. More details about the 2008 arrest can be found here.

Vegas notes that there is heavy action on the motorized stool.

Big Changes in B&SF Future?

Huletts Landing, 6:16 p.m. June 5, 2008 (Reuters) - In a moment of clarity, or Coors Light induced euphoria, during the ever evolving Opening Ceremonies of the annual Beer and Sports Festival, at 6:16 p.m. the Commish declared and decreed that Decking is not only a sport but the Official Sport of the B&SF! This decree was meet by those in attendance with praise and accolades! One B&SFer, who wished to remain anonymous fearing further parenthetical reprisals, commented that the decree was "long overdue and the result of much effort by a number of B&SFers."

However, that same B&SFer noted that The Commish's continued reference to the "ever evolving" B&SF raises an even more significant and important issue involving "Laking." The Commish elevated Laking to the lofty status of an Official B&SF "Activity." This was inevitable given that Laking was, for the first time this year combined with Wiffle Ball by one B&SFer. As evolution necessarily results in extinction, one is left to wonder whether the elevation of Decking to the status of official sport and Laking to the status of an activity, is the beginning of a grand scheme by the Commish to push Wiffle Ball to extinction. In this reporter's view, congratulations are due to the Commish for such forward thinking. Things must change and change is on the way!

New Red and Blue Rings Found Around Uranus

WASHINGTON, April 6 2006 (AP) - Two outer rings, one red, the other blue, have been observed around the distant planet Uranus.

While Uranus had been known to have inner rings of neutral color, the newly discovered outer rings show color contrasts that researchers think are caused by light reflected off particles that differ in size from one ring to the other.

The outermost ring is only the second blue ring to have been observed, a team led by Imke de Pater of the University of California, Berkeley, reports in Friday's issue of the journal Science.

Also blue is Saturn's outermost ring, the researchers said. And they noted that each of the known blue rings has a moon embedded within it, while the red rings do not.

They speculated that the moons swept up larger pieces of debris, leaving only dust and tiny items that reflect more blue light than the red ring, which could have larger pieces of debris.

Editors update: Contrary to published reports, none of the Berkeley scientists received $20 for looking at the rings of Uranus. However, recent evidence suggests that these new rings were actually discovered in June 2000 by several unfortunate B&SFers who WERE paid $20 to search for these red and blue rings (some even noticed several moons in the blue ring and other various "debris"). Due to the emotional scars resulting from that day in June, no one has previously published or reported these sightings.

*** WARNING *** WARNING *** WARNING ***

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps placed in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Warn every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click on web site below:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

Now You Never Need to Stop Drinking

BERLIN, October 6 2005 (Reuters) - Fans of non-stop drinking may soon be able to cut down on time wasted ordering refills, thanks to a beer coaster that can tell when a glass is empty.

The coaster, fitted with sensors, measures the weight of the beer and sends a signal behind the bar when it's time for a refill. Anxious drinkers can also attract the attention of staff by waving the plastic mat, thanks to a motion sensor.

It was invented by students Matthias Hahnen and Robert Doerr for a project at the University of Saarbruecken in southwest Germany.

The device has attracted the attention of beer vendors in North America, including a leading Canadian brewer, according to Michael Schmitz, one of the supervisors of the project.

"They wanted to know if they could use it or make it themselves," he said. "The prototype cost about 84 euros to make one but if mass produced, it could be done for around 10 euros."

One B&SFer commented "What's with this Euros crap? Give it to me in good old fashioned green backs!" while another commented that "That's great but will they also open the beer for you or do you have to open every one?"

Historic Wiffle Ball Park is Renovated

HULETTS LANDING, NY, July 15 2005 (White Hall News) - On Friday July 8, 2005 one of the oldest and most recognizable wiffle ball fields in the country underwent renovations.

The mammoth tree in right field ("Tree Monster") located between the home run fence and water, was partially damaged during one of the recent storms and had to be cut down. There has been some speculation that the structural damage of the tree may have occurred during the "Underdog" induced storm a few week earlier. Some feel that it was years of pounding by the K.O. taped wiffle balls, while there are still others that feel that foul play may have been involved.

The Huletts Landing field has been official home of the Beer & Sports Festival three game series (Saturday double header and the Sunday battle for players) for the past 14 years. The "Tree Monster" has provided the backdrop for some of the most majestic blasts that have cleared this 100+ year old tree and landed into the waters of Lake George. John McNelis holds the record for most blasts that have cleared this historic landmark and Brian McNelis has the distinction of hitting the last home run of the tradition Saturday double header over the "Tree Monster". The addition of the "Kelly O'Brien Rock/Paper/Scissor" (RPS) tie breaker prohibited any further home runs on this day. The "Bash Brothers", John Humphreys and Pat McNelis, had combined for the most "Back to Back Jacks" over this tree throughout the years.

This tree has contributed to the tremendous offensive statistics compiled over the years with its screening of outfielders and deflections of sure outs. Local fans have said that the fact that there were kayaks hovering in the outfield waters beyond the tree this year, similar to that of McCovy Cove in San Francisco, that the Huletts Landing Field had reached new heights in attraction.

There is still an ongoing investigation as to the root cause of the tree damage that ultimately led to what might now be known as the "Huletts Chain Saw Massacre". One positive result of this change is that the right fielder now has a good spot to place his beer, on the tree stump (see picture below). Pat McCormick, a long time opponent of the wiffle ball games is being deposed as part of this investigation. McCormick's previous comments about less offense leads to quicker games and more decking was all local authorities needed to hear to make him a prime suspect in the investigation.

When asked, the B&SF Commissioner was quoted as saying, "It's obvious that the games will probably have less offense with the removal of the tree, but I am confident that the B&SF members will adapt (possibly more tape) to whatever conditions are presented to preserve the integrity and tradition of the wiffle ball games". That being said, the commissioner is still recovering from his decision to first allow and then partake in the "RPS" tiebreaker at this years games.

WiffleBallBlows

Unexplained Upstate Weather Pattern Traced to B&SF Blunder

HULETTS LANDING, NY, June 14 2005 (Glenns Falls Gazette) - On Monday, June 6, 2005 the upstate region of New York just outside Lake George experienced an unusual weather pattern that has mystified local meteorologist. High winds and 3 inches of rain covered the area from 4:30 P.M. to 5:15 P.M. and then the skies cleared miraculously. Nothing was seen on the local Doppler RADAR, but upon further investigation it was discovered that there was a blunder at the local Beer & Sports Festival held at Huletts Landing, NY that caused this event. Apparently Underdog, who was inadvertently left in the house all weekend instead of his usual place of prominence, perched on the deck overlooking the water, got pissed off!

Underdog has used his powers over the years to provide ideal decking/drinking conditions for the B&SF team members and had already provided two spectacular wiffle ball days on Saturday and Sunday. This oversight by the commissioner and T-Men (Thursday to Tuesday members) was discovered early into Monday's decking session, but it was too late to keep Underdog from exacting his revenge. He let loose his furry and the traditional Monday decking session was interrupted for 15 minutes because of the high winds and torrential rains. Lower decking was quickly implemented as a back-up plan, but the achievement of total consciousness was noticeably delayed. After making his point, Underdog restored the area to normal conditions and decking continued until ~12:15 A.M. Meteorologist have recorded this event in the books as a "mountain anomaly", due to concerns in certain scientific communities with crediting Underdog with this mysterious storm. All B&SF members know the real truth!

In a related story, B&SF member "Fat Ass" has finally recovered from a rib injury sustained at the Casino on Saturday night. The injury occurred while performing the ever popular "Underdog Dance" - prior to Underdog's B&SF 2005 debut and without his blessing and protection. As an added twist to the dance, a maneuver known as "Stacking" was introduced, which eventually lead to the injury. Local businessman J.P. complained, "This Stacking we've seen recently is bad news. Particularly treacherous is what the B&SFers call reverse-pyramid Stacking. There outta be a law."

The NY lawmakers seem to agree. It is anticipated that anti-stacking laws will be passed by the NY state legislature prior to B&SF 2006 to circumvent recurrences of such injuries.

Pandemonium After O'Brien Shoots Paper

HULETTS LANDING, NY, June 4 2005 (Blatherskite Herald) - Rioting, looting, and even excessive drinking hit Huletts Landing Saturday, as revelers celebrated a stunning game 2 overtime wiffle ball victory by the underdog team.

After an embarrassing game 1 drubbing, the underdogs appeared headed toward victory in the 2nd stanza. However, bottom of the 9th heroics leveled the score, culminating with a towering home run off the bat of Brian McNelis, sending the game to a Rock Paper Scissors (RPS) shootout.

With Kelly O'Brien (who hit a dazzling 1 for 71 in the 2 games) shooting for the underdogs against Kevin McNelis, the Commissioner of the Beer & Sports Festival, it looked like another disappointment was on the way for the underdogs. But following an initial shoot of a pair of Scissors, O'Brien shocked the crowd with a second round shoot of Paper, soundly defeating the Rock thrown by the Commissioner.

The win was savored well into the morning, and chants of "Paper! Paper! Paper!", "The Rock is a crock!", and "Hurry it up!" could still be heard as the sun was rising on a new day.

A World Drinking Record

RIGA, Latvia, Dec 19 2004 (Reuters) - Latvian police said a drunk picked up with around twice the blood-alcohol level considered deadly had probably set a world record but would wake with a hangover to match.

The unidentified middle-aged man was unconscious but stable after a blood test showed 7.22 parts per million of alcohol, police spokeswoman Ieva Zvidre said.

An average person would vomit at around 1.2, lose consciousness at 3.0 and stop breathing at a level of about 4.0 parts per million, Zvidre said, adding: "This is one for the Guinness Book of Records."

The hospital's emergency ward head Martins Sics told reporters there was no record of anybody having survived such a dose, even in neighboring Russia which takes pride in its vodka-guzzling traditions.

"He won't remember a thing when he comes to," Sics said.

Student Charged With Clogging Toilet

PORT OF SWEET GRASS, Mont. - Jesse Huffman insists he didn't do it on purpose, but the toilet he left plugged after "nature called" at this border crossing in north-central Montana has him facing criminal charges. Toole County authorities charged the 19-year-old college student from Great Falls with criminal mischief after a border agent accused him of intentionally clogging the toilet.

Huffman said the clogged piping was completely unintentional, the result of an urgent, but natural bodily function. "I've never been arrested before or anything like that, and I get arrested for taking a dump," said Huffman, a student at Montana State University in Bozeman.

Huffman was returning to Montana from a trip to Lethbridge, Alberta with four friends Saturday. Port authorities stopped their car for what was apparently a random search. The car's 19-year-old driver was cited for illegally possessing alcohol. Huffman said he asked to use the bathroom while waiting for the driver. A short time later, a port inspector discovered the toilet was clogged and threatened charges, Huffman said.

Cory Grayson, one of Huffman's friends, said he couldn't believe it when border agents first threatened charges. "I didn't think they were serious at first, I was just laughing so hard," he said. Port Director Larry Overcast said he could not comment on the case.

Huffman said he has hired an attorney and intends to fight the charge.

Tobacco Shown to be No Risk to Health

HULETTS LANDING, NY, June 5 2004(Fabrication Post) - A Beer & Sports Festival Research Scientist has completely discredited previous findings surrounding the use of tobacco in an extreme experiment that has rocked the medical research community. The researcher himself smoked 37 cigars in a 12 hour period, and felt just fine afterwards. He was unable to comment in depth on his findings, having suffered a complete loss of voice due to factors that are in no way related to the cigar smoking.

Link Between Alcohol Intake and Wealth Found

CALGARY, ALBERTA, April 16 2002(Calgary Sun) - A university professor has found on average the more people drink, the more they earn. Professor Chris Auld says his research confirms the so-called alcohol-income puzzle. His research shows people found to drink more than average are also more likely to be successful and earn more.

The economics don at the University of Calgary in Canada has just been given more funding to research the alcohol link to earnings. He says reasons behind the correlation could be stress of a high-paying job driving people to drink or that more sociable people are more likely to achieve career success.

The findings should not be construed as an excuse to drink your way up the ladder, adds Professor Auld. "The puzzle is why are we finding this," he told the Calgary Sun. He jokes his extra funding will allow him to "buy more rounds at the bar".

To show how confident he is that his theory is valid, Professor Auld is betting that Patrick McNelis of New York will be a billionaire by 2005, giving 30 to 1 odds to anyone willing to take the bet.

Beer Research Reaches Disturbing Conclusion

ST. LOUIS, MO, April 14 2002(Reuters) - Recent medical research results have suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 10 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

Concerned that the research may put a damper on beer sales, Coors Brewing Company asked 100 randomly selected men in New York area bars if the findings would slow their consumption. All 100 indicated they would not consider reducing their intake, with John Humphreys summing it up perhaps better than anyone, stating "Hell, I think I'd look good with a pair of C cups hanging off of me!"

Bac-A-Larm Inventor Dies At 78

BOISE, ID, May 29 1999(San Jose Mercury News) - Ed Peterson, inventor of the alarm that beeps to warn people when trucks and heavy machinery are backing up, died Wednesday at 78. Mr. Peterson also invented collapsible luggage carriers, home security alarms and automotive electrical devices.

In the mid-1960s, he invented the Bac-A-Larm, marketing it initially to international construction and engineering giant Morrison Knudsen Corp., which, like Mr. Peterson's company, was based in Boise.

Upon hearing of his passing, B&SFer Chris Amari was moved to tears, saying "He was a good man. Even though his invention is to blame for wrenching and pulling damage done to my ears, he will be missed."

Prosecutor Sought In Golf Cart Scandal

LONG ISLAND, NY, March 26 1999(AP) - Reliable sources report that a request will be made to the B&SF planning committee for the appointment of an independent special prosecutor to investigate rumors that certain B&SFers have willfully and fraudulently withheld information that a golf cart has been available for use at the B&SF. One B&SFer, remarking "That's Crap", noted that "the growing acceptance of decking as the official sport of the B&SF goes hand in hand with the use of the golf cart in question." Another B&SFer, who requested anonymity, remarked that the refusal to disclose such information "turns my stomach and is sure to cause unspeakable disruption of my digestive system--and you know what that could mean. Three before noon will seem like a bed of roses! Remember, there is only one gas mask at the B&SF!"

When told of these remarks, Burnie Turtleherder expressed doubt that the various removal systems could handle any additional "load" and advised this reporter that nothing should be done to upset the delicate balance now in existence.

Legal action has been promised unless a special prosecutor is appointed and this injustice corrected! Attorneys are being consulted (California "attorneys" need not apply).

New Freezer Could Mean Falling Records

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA, July 13 1998(Reuters) - B&SF's John McNelis has been overheard saying that he fully expects a new freezer to be in place in time for next year's Beer and Sports Festival. "This should enable pizza bagel consumption to reach a new level next year," McNelis says.

But it isn't the increased consumption that has the local authorities concerned. Lake George Waste Managment official Burnie Turtleherder tells Reuters, "These guys are already pushing the limits of our removal system!" According to area insiders, that's not all they're pushing. A certain B&SF regular has been known to produce double-flush quantity waste as frequently as 5 time an hour.